i'm pregnant!
about 4 & 1/2 months now!
they think it might be a boy!
i'm excited!

when's the last time i actually updated u?
no clue.

i'm cold and it's 11:00.
P.M.

nuthing much has changed.
except that things rn't going to well on the relationship side for me.

but other then tht (kz u'r getting spared the effin' details)-!
my best 4nd Stephanie and i r talking again.

my "home" sux.

my ex Paul is talking to me.
(woop de do.)
haha!

Addison is moving this month.

kamber and i r talking.
and she's got a b.f.!
holy shit!

do i have 1?
. . . .

i dont know.
i really dont.
i wish i can honestly say that i hav a great life and that my boy4nd kix butt but then- how can i say that?
we're not even really together anymore. he just sort of uses me. takes advantage of my affection 4 him. idk anymore. i really dont.
but when all this is done, i know i will have learned something from all of it.
i may not know just yet but i will soon enough.
god has a plan for me. what it is- i will soon KNOW!!!!!!!
by the life of me i will.

i notice that i've been horrible to my past ex.s . . . .
and i regret ever doing that to them.... they were so nice to me.... all of them.
and bkz of tht- i think god has punished me and put me with J. He treats me like shit half the time and expects me to be okay about it.
i love him,
but it's just not gonna work.
he doesn't love me. he said so himself today.... "i don't love you" then he tells his mom: "i don't love Ariana"
he's also called me his ex wife Judy- or should i say HAS been for the past couple of days that we've been together in an intimate way.
he says he's joking with me but i know he's not, kz if he was then wouldn't he have stopped when he knew it hurt my feelings?
i just don't know anymore.

and he's reading what i'm writing right now.

haha.

maybe he'll realize?
i doubt that bkz he's not the typr to take another persons feelings into perspective.
doesn't that so suck for me.
i wanted to have someone to love and i always pictured my first to be with someone who gave a shit about me, not someone who doesn't. who uses. god, feel like i'v been stabbed by a knife.
i'm sure you all know how that's like?
when it's all over with though, i'll have something to look back on and laugh about. maybe. i don't know. he always makes me cry.
is that what a "boyfriend" is supposed to do?
and i was told by a close friend of mine that any relationship that has so much arguing isn't a relationship at all.
that's pretty much true.
we argue so much!
i know i cause the fights half the time but he never sees my side of it!
wtf?! seriously!
and then it's always my fault!
i'm tired.
soemtimes he just makes me wish i wasn't there or wasn't born or SOMEthin'! I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111
Know you know my whole sitch.
now i'm asking all of you-

IS HE WORTH IT?
My time and energy? i love him, but how can u love someone who doesn't love u back and imagines u as his ex?
oh- and when u don't give him what he wants gets pissed at u?

time 4 ur opinion. it counts to me.

Ariana M.

P.S. that little blue guy on the little emotions/mood thing is J. all in a nutshell.

i descided that it was time for me to fll this out for myself so you all can see how i am....

and my mood isn't compassion like it says.

the computer is being wierd so i have to chose form a limited unseen choice-thing.

i'm in a down mood.


ANOREXIA

[ ] you have dry skin.
[ ] you eat 1 meal.
[x] you're very weak.
[x] you hate your body.
[x] you starve yourself.
[x] you have low self esteem.
[ ] you use laxatives.
[x] you need to be more skinny.
[x] people always say you're skinny, but you think fat.
[x] people think you are too skinny.
total: 7

ADHD (ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER)

[x] your mind is all over the place.
[x] you are hyper most of the time.
[ ] you barely pay attention to anything.
[ ] you cannot cooperate with people well.
[x] you seem to never sit still.
[x] you talk all the time.
[ ] you need attention 24/7.
total:4

BIPOLAR DISORDER

[x] you can act wild at times then the next day you are depressed.
[ ] you are very irritable.
[ ] you barely get any or no sleep.
[ ] you are anti-social.
[ ] you have very high self esteem at times.
[ ] you are abusing alcohol, drugs, or sex.
[x] you have thought of/attempted suicide.
total: 2

BULIMIA NERVOSA

[ ] you throw up all of your food. [Anxiety attacks]
[ ] you throw it up even when you don't feel sick.
[x] you have no control over how you eat.
[ ] you use laxatives.
[ ] you have overly exercised to where you almost fainted/passed out.
[x] you always say you are fat, when you aren't.
[x] people think you are way too skinny.
total: 3

CONDUCT DISORDER

[ ] you are a bully.
[ ] you threaten other people. only playing around.
[ ] you often find yourself in fights.
[ ] you have used a weapon that could cause injury to others. (ex: knife, bat, etc.)
[ ] you are cruel to humans and/or animals.
[ ] you have raped/molested someone.
[ ] you destroy property on purpose
[ ] you always lie.
[ ] you stay out all night.
[ ] you have ran away from home.
total: 0

DEPRESSION

[ ] you are always sad.
[x] you find no hope in your future.
[ ] you find no longer excitement over the activities you used to love.
[ ] you always find yourself around the house or in bed all day.
[x] you can be/are anti-social.
[x] you have low self esteem.
[x] everything bad that happens is always your fault.
[x] you always seem to be weak or have physical features hurt.
[ ] you are failing school.
[x] you have thought of/attempted suicide.
[ ] you have ran away from home.
[x] hope is no longer there for you.
total: 7

OCD (OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER)

[ ] you have daily rituals.
[ ] you have disturbing thoughts or thoughts you hate.
[x] you have to do a certain thing until it feels right.
[ ] you have to keep things in a certain order.
[x] you have harmed yourself.
[ ] you are afraid you will get a std, aids, or any kind of germs.
[x] you have to check some stuff over again. (ex: checking the door repeatly)
total: 3

PTSD (POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER)

[ ] you repeatly have flashbacks of horrible moments/memories in your life.
[ ] you repeatly have dreams of horrible moments/memories in your life.
[x] you sometimes think the event will happen again.
[ ] you feel highly uncomfortable when remembered/remembering the event.
[ ] you can be/are anti-social.
[ ] you have lost interest in the things you used to love.
[ ] you have not had alot of sleep lately.
[x] you worry about dying at a early age or dying at all.
[ ] you can have angry outbursts.
[ ] you act younger than your age. (ex: thumbsucking, etc.)
total: 2

SCHIZOPHRENIA

[ ] you often have hallucinations (seeing things or hearing things that aren't there). THEY ARE THERE, they just aren't in the physical realm you close-minded spiritually dead son of a bitch. (whoever came up with this stereotype)
[ ] you have strange, unusual dreams or thoughts. messages biotch
[ ] you can be confused about reality and fantasy.
[ ] you think people are always staring or talking about you.
[x] you have extreme anxiety or fearfullness.
[ ] you have difficulty with relationships with family, friends, and opposite sex
[ ] you do not take care of your hygiene like you should.
[ ] you are very shy.
[ ] you often talk to yourself.
total: 1


that's me in a nutshell.

and people think i'm so nice.

i think i am.

i try to be.

i don't believe in abuse.

i try to make others happy even if it means my own pain.

physical pain takes away from my inner pain.

it makes me feel better.

i've become a cutter, i guess you can say.

i'm happy.
yes.
but i'm kinda hurt....
i'm not sure what it is but- it might be the fact that the guy i broke up with is taking it so easy... like i didnt mean anything to him....
maybe it was good that i left him...?
i liked him though....
a lot....
i'm over him, but... i don't know....
something's wrong with me if it still bothers me....
but i really like James too.
more than him.
really.
but i meant nothing....
obviously.
makes me feel worthless kinda.
and what problems of mine did he maen...?
about my dad or something...?
or is he suggesting something else...?

james is in the other room sleeping.
he looks so peaceful.
relaxed.
not when he's awake.
when he's up, he seems to have the weight of the world upon his shoulders.
i wish i could take it all away.
see him truely happy, you know?
no problems at all.
nothing.
none.
so he could look at ease and peaceful like when he sleeps.
i hope i at least elevate that weight somewhat.
i like when he smiles.
it's like looking at an angel.
i like that.
i want to make him happy.
he needs happiness.
he's had such a bad past.
i really care about him.
he has some growing up to do,
as i do,
but other than that- i think we'll work out just fine.

James has brown, shorttttttt hair.
his eyes are beautiful; they're green with a hint of blueish gray, and hazel.
and he has this southwest accent,
or something like that.

and it's time for me to go right now.
haha!
welp,
i hope today is a good day.
it feels like it!
besides the three digit heat...!
James just got up! <3

i'm sorry.

a lot of things have happened in the last several weeks.
i mean a lot.
my life has changed in a better way that seems more plausable and believeable.
first- i'm not with Gustav anymore.
several factors had to do with that.
money.
distance.
and a new love.
and his name's James.
James is a great guy who has his heart in the right place, who's had a rough and difficult past, and is - just- awesome.
he's about my hieght but a little taller by like an inch or two. haha! <3
and i'm learning a lot being with him and his relatives and i'm also working at a place in Laguna Nigel called Pet Junction!
that place kicks butt!
the people there are chill, nice, and we get along!
and another thing is that i've become attached to this one litttle kitten and he's a Calico - i think- and he's just the cutest little kitty!
he's sharp with everyone he meets and it took him a week to get used to me and now he srts purring right when i pick him up!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!<3 <3
and i want him so bad!
Nicole, James sister, the manager, might let me have him!
she said i could actually and i want him but the only thing that's stopping me is that my mom says she doesn't mind but thinks my dad won't let me have him.
i don't know how to ask my dad because he's been in a foul mood for the past couple a weeks wit me and so it's like: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

but life's pretty good other than that.